he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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