Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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