i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
