I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
