I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
