the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
