If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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