its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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