i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
