I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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