I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize