i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
