shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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