Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
