I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
