my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
