My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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