she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
