i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
