I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
