So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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