I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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