how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
