Your mouth is God's brothel.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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