covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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