Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
