No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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