My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
