Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
