i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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