A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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