She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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