Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
