I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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