His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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