Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
