I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
