She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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