I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
