Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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