she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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