Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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