He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
