im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
