Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
