I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
