I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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