Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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