Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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