The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
