You're my little dorito
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
