The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize