It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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