a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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