I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
