His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
