IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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