Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
