I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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