the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
