My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
